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 The World Of The City's Children

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RenBeat2
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PostSubject: The World Of The City's Children   Wed May 06, 2009 2:10 pm

Umm... ok, uh, I've never written anything before... sweat So I hope this is all right. Comment and rate, please!
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PostSubject: Re: The World Of The City's Children   Wed May 06, 2009 2:12 pm

The Humans And The Conflict
Chapter
1

Midnight black and crimson blood, gather your evil into my heart...


Ever had one of those days where the world seems to stand still? Where the snow flakes seem to fall so slowly and quietly, it's like there's no sound in the universe? It was one of those days today; a cold September afternoon where there was nothing but trees covered in snow, bare, leafless, and silent. The air was even still and without a breeze.
Satoshi Hikari plodded through the three inches of pure white snow, pale hands deep in his pockets and an unlit ciggarette hanging from his lips. He didn't shiver from the below freezing cold in his heavy white jacket lines with fur on the inside and long white jeans. His slim black and white boots crunched ice beneath him as he walked through the wintry forest, straying from the places he'd been, and seeking the places he hadn't.
With a frustrated scowl, he swaggered off course and wandered under a tree, leaning his back to it and taking out his lighter. He was trying to quit smoking because his father had died from lung cancer, but sometimes it was too much for a lonely teenager traveling alone to resist anything that served as a distraction.
After his smoke, Satoshi wandered a bit farther into the wood and found a river, where he slung off his pack and rested on the shoreline. Tossing the last of his ciggarette, he leaned his head back against the tree trunk and closed his eyes. It was below zero and dropping fast but it didn't bother him. He opened one eye and spotted a cottage across the river. Of course, it didn't hurt not to freeze to death, too. He got up then, grabbing his pack and throwing it over to the other side. Backing up, he took a deep breath, and took off, clearing the river with inches to spare. Taking up his backpack quickly, he ducked through the bramble bushes and walked up to the house.

Rika was helping petunias grow in the elvish world when he heard a strange noise behind her. Standing up and brushing off her short white dress, she turned around and tucked her golden bangs behind pointed ears and blinked,
"Yes, who is it?" She asked in confusion.
A black mass appeared and made a sound like a screech of horrible saddness. It burned Rika's ears and she screamed, clamping her hands on the sides of her head,
"Stop!"
Turning, she scrambled away.
Rika ran through the forest, short blonde hair moving with each bouncing step she took across the underbrush to escape her pursuer. Apparently she was being chased by a dark lord's ghost minion; they were the sole key to mixing the real and elvish worlds, thus revealing the colonies of elves that lived in their seperate dimensions. Rika knew this, of course, and was running to tell her father, the lord of the lands, Darcia.

Satoshi sat in front of a fire sipping green tea from a stone cup with no handles, staring deep into the flames, feeling strange. He had knocked on the door of the cottage and a boy his age had taken pity on him out in the cold and brought him inside. That boy was Daisuke Nishara, and he sat on his bed off to the side of the fire in his hand made kimono, blonde hair askew, hazel eyes blinked,
"So where'd yo' come from, mister winter?" He asked in a very Welsh accent, tilting his head to the side.
Satoshi shrugged, "Mainly from Ireland, but that place was too peacful and smooth-running for me. I need action, so I left. Been all over Asia and Europe, to Japan and back," he sipped at his cup again and looked around. "Why'd you decide to make this little house way out here?"
The boy shrugged, twiddling a loose string on his blanket, "I built it ou' here for my bride and I, but... She died many a year ago."
Satoshi almost spit out his tea, "You were married and widowed already?! How old are you?!"
Daisuke laughed as if it was funny to tease new comers, "I'm seventeen. My Da is a priest, he had us married three years after we me'. She was shot by a hunter a year afta, and I didn't have th' heart to leave this place." Satoshi nodded slowly,
"You know that's against the law, right?"
Daisuke blinked, "What is?"
"To be married at fourteen!" Satoshi bursted.
Daisuke rubbed his head, "No' if yo' have all four o' the parents approval. Then i'tis."
Suddenly the wind picked up, rattling the trees outside, shaking off their snow, and Satoshi shuddered. He hated weird noises. Daisuke was yawning, so he didn't notice,
"Her name was Risa, an' she was th' most beautiful thing in th' whole world." He lay down amound his pillows, putting his arms behind his head, "Her hair was short, golden, like sunshine in Spring. Her eyes were a saphire blue an' sparkled like 'em, too. Her smile had a funny way of setting me at perfect ease, and when she kissed me, I could barely breathe. She was a beautie, all right." He closed his eyes and sighed, "I miss 'er..."
Satoshi nodded, "I'm sorry. She sounds like one of a kind."
Daisuke smiled behind closed lids, "She was. We never did get to have that little son she wanted... But no more use lookin' into the past. 'Night, snow lad."
Satoshi frowned and leaned back in the cloth recliner. It was surely hand-made and wooden, but what would happen if it ever sparked? Too fidgety to sleep, he got up and wandered over to the window. It was a full moon tonight.

When Rika reached her home city, she froze at the entrance. The buildings were torn and destroyed, the air polluted with gasses and dust, the people gone. Her people. Shaking her head quickly, she ran into the destroyed city, hopping over debris and bodies. Tears streamed down her eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen. She tripped over a fallen stone pillar and hit the ground hard, crying out in pain; both for herself and the future. They were elves. An immortal colony who were constantly reminded how they could not die. Living, breathing, growing things, watching everything else wither away. And yet not themselves. Rika got up, limping a few steps before pounding the broken pavement the hardest she'd ever done in her 2000 years of life. She needed to find father - Lord Legolas.
Rika burst through the doors to her palace's throne room and gasped. Her father sat in his chair with a knife in his chest, dressed fully in his royal attire and crown.
"Father!" She screamed, staggering up to him. "Father..." She sobbed, stroaking his pale face, brushing strands of blonde hair from his closed eyes. His face was rested but Rika wept still. She loved her father more than anything in the world; since her mother had left he'd been her only family. "Who's done this...?" She choked.
Lord Legolas's eyes cracked open suddenly and he looked at her as if she was smoke, "Rika, my daughter..." Rika kissed her father's cheek, damp cheeks brushing his, "Father, rest now. The other world meets you." Her father groaned, "Rika, the Dark Lord has risen once again... He has risen, to claim the Erstaz diamond..."
Rika blinked, kneeling before her father, "Where is it, my Lord?"
Legolas closed his eyes once again, "It lies... Within the City's Children..." He went slack then, and she knew her father was dead. Wiping away her tears, Rika stood and cast a protection spell on her father's body, then turned and faced the door. She didn't know who the City's Children were, but there was a fairytale that said they dwelled in the human realm, with the sinners, murderers, and unclean filth of reality; hidding away the two peices of the jewl from evil. It had the power to copy anyone's immortality and store it for the next to touch the stone, but it also had the power to make one mortal. Rika climbed the stairwhell in the palace to her room and packed a backpack with infinate space, throwing on a tan cloak and jumping from the window. Landing with a thud in the back courtyard grass, she stood and straightened up. Her mother had taught her how to open the portal between worlds when she was very small and though she remembered it she was afraid it wouldn't work, since no one else had ever tried it before. Maybe it had just been her mother able to do such a thing as merge two opposite worlds into one. Maybe it would backfire and destroy the other dimension too. Eyes glinting with determanation, she started into the forest. It was a risk she would have to take.


Last edited by RenBeat2 on Wed May 06, 2009 7:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: The World Of The City's Children   Wed May 06, 2009 3:53 pm

Well, you need detail. Like as in telling the reader where that part of the story is. Otherwise, confusion can happen. Either that, or put little stars between each section to show the end of that part and moving on to another. Also, start a new paragraph at each new subject and when a different person speaks. Otherwise, it will be more difficult to read it.

Other than that, well-written. It has details a person can visualize. You might also want details that can help a person almost smell it and as if they could feel it also. It makes a story better and more likely to be read.
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PostSubject: Re: The World Of The City's Children   Wed May 06, 2009 7:08 pm

Cool! Thanks, HS7, I'll try as hard as I can to improve~
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PostSubject: Re: The World Of The City's Children   Thu May 07, 2009 4:30 am

The Crashing Sense
Chapter
2


Rika found the clearing her mother had performed the ceremony in and sat down in the center, closing her eyes and holding up her hands palms out.
"Anima cremisi," she chanted in her chiming bell voice. "distruttori di nerezza, light' più grandi guerrieri di s, gather a me!" She shouted the last part, her hair lifting in an invisible breeze and body glowing blue. "Apra il portale e trasmettalo in un altro mondo!"
The woods began to glow around her, then as she threw up her hands, the girl vanished from the elvish world.
If you're human, you've had one of those dreams where you're being chased by something very big and very scary, and all you want to do is get away from it, and when you take your eyes off the road for a second to look back and see how much it's closed in on you, you're falling. Then you freak out and fall and fall and fall, and just as you are about to hit the ground, you wake up and find yourself twisted in your blankets on the floor; flushed in a cold sweat and paniced you're dead.
This was sort of like that, accept Rika fell from a very short distance, and had only a short time to freak out before she landed in a fairly cold pile of snow mounded about six feet high under an abnormally tall pine tree, getting the shock of her life.
The freezing ice against her delicate peach skin was like daggers digging into her flesh, and her body and mind were so shocked, in fact, that she passed out right there in the snow.
Now, wouldn't it be a worse nightmare to actually die in your dream, then to wake up and see that you're not a glob of guts at the bottom of that cliff the monster happened to chase you off?

Satoshi got a pang of something strange. He thought he was going to be sick, and the room began to spin. Gripping the window sill tightly he gasped for air as his vision blackened around the edges. What the Hell...?!
Something in him awakened then.
Suddenly, his head cleared, and everything was deathly still so fast, he fell sideways and lay on the floor, eyes wide.
Not even risking raising his head, he turned his gaze slowly to look over at Daisuke. He was still asleep; which meant he hadn't felt that.
Satoshi took a few more deep breathe before sitting up as slow as he could and glanced around. There was definitly something amiss.
He scrambled up and grabbed his boots, dressing in his heavy clothes again. What would make that happen to me?
He wondered, tieing his boots tightly and zipping his jacket. No other way to find out, then to investigate.
Satoshi flung open the front door and stepped outside into the blizzard, into the unknown, seeking the tear in reality as he knew it.

Satoshi stumbled passed the river going south, snow blinding him as it came down in sheets of ice cold knives as he trudged through three feet of what had fallen already. He didn't know what made him come out of the cozy warm house, but it sure was strong, because he was freezing his tail off right now. His breath came out in white clouds thick enough to cut with a plastic spoon and his boots were almost filled, but his sixthth sense was driving him onward.
Looking up through his snow glasses, he spotted a lake nearby, frozen over completely and glistening with the wet snow landing all over it. He jerked his head around to try getting a location on where he was headed with no use, and he clenched his fists at his sides, looking franticlly for whatever. What in the world is in so much trouble, for heaven's sake?! Now I think I'm lost! Shivering like there was no warmth left in the world, he plodded over to a pine tree and leaned against a tall mound of snow. He regretted doing so immedietly and pulled back shivering worse then ever.
Scowling, he happened to glance backwards and see a dent in the snow. It was too big for any animal other then a deer, and they didn't fall out of trees, so he kicked away some of the side snow and began digging. Of course it had been covered in a thin layer of newly fallen snow on top of whatever was in here, but Satoshi was certain this thing had fallen just recently, so he was in a very big hurry to get it out.
Satoshi didn't like the fact that something might be dying under here and he wasn't saving it as soon as possible. Hefting the last inch or two of ice away, something stuck up from the snow and Satoshi blinked at it. The thing looked like the point of a very pointed ear, but nothing in the world had ears like that.
He cleared some more snow away and saw it was a blonde girl with pointed ears lying under this frozen mass, lying unconcious beneath the tree. Satoshi gasped and shoveled faster than ever.
He soon had most of her out and grabbed under her arms, dragging the girl from her icy tomb. Holding her close to his chest, he ran back to the cabin as fast as his frozen legs would carry him, thanking God he was given this sixth sense.
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PostSubject: Re: The World Of The City's Children   Thu May 07, 2009 7:00 pm

*claps*

You did it~! Nom nom is so proud~! XD
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PostSubject: Re: The World Of The City's Children   Thu May 07, 2009 7:30 pm

-grins happily and rubs head-
Wow, it came out better than I thought~ Thanks!!!
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PostSubject: Re: The World Of The City's Children   Fri May 08, 2009 7:02 am

Brava.

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PostSubject: Re: The World Of The City's Children   Fri May 08, 2009 4:37 pm

XD

You mean bravo? Brava is for girls, not guys. ^^
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PostSubject: Re: The World Of The City's Children   Fri May 08, 2009 5:32 pm

woops. Bravo then. Last time I listen to James with that kind of thing.

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PostSubject: Re: The World Of The City's Children   Sat May 09, 2009 6:51 am

XD

Thanks guys~
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PostSubject: Re: The World Of The City's Children   Mon May 11, 2009 4:23 am

Yeah, it's cool! xDD Good idea, Rye, the elf girl and the albino. ^^

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